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Manuscript First Page winner and Honorable Mentions The following entries are excellent examples of adding the vital elements to these first pages so they motivate the reader to turn the page. (Which is the purpose of the first page . . . keep 'um reading.) Comments are made on entries that can be revised to make them more powerful reading.

And the winner is . . . Betsy
Her manuscript first page contains all the necessary elements to motivate any reader to turn the page. She sets a scene, establishes a character, shows emotion, describes time and place, gives her protagonist a strong voice, generates curiosity and builds anticipation for an interesting story. A page-turner for sure.
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It was a dreary day, the day she buried Eli. The gray sky loomed overhead, pregnant with the threat of rain. Thunder echoed through the Texas Hill Country until it reverberated in Maya’s temple, a pulsing that she soon couldn’t ignore. But still she stood, numbly repeating the prayers the priest murmured over the casket of her dead husband. Gripping her daughter’s hand, she prayed to the beating of her shattered heart, beseeching God to forgive her for feeling relief, not remorse, that he was dead. 86 words.
COMMENTS:
The last three words of this opening page create interest and surprise. Why is Mary glad her husband is dead? What caused her shattered heart? Did the not-so-dearly departed die of natural causes, or did she help him?
NOTE: Slight revision can eliminate the weak words, “that,” and “was,” and double use of “day” in first sentence.
REVISION EXAMPLE: “The gray sky loomed overhead, pregnant with the threat of rain on the day she buried Eli.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS
It was as good a day as any to try and outrun the police, January decided. She’d been pulled over 6 times in 18 months (once on her birthday) and been issued 2 warnings and 4 tickets: speeding; talking on her cell phone while driving; speeding and talking on her cell phone (that one was expensive); and speeding and driving with a suspended license. It was as if the cops had nothing better to do than to pester normally safe drivers who happened to be in a rush, or who had to coordinate last minute dress details for the Spring Formal on the run.
January had always wondered what it would be like to hit the gas and lose the cops before she could get another ticket, or have to sit through another Saturday of all-day driving school. Well, this was it! The flashing lights were in the rear view mirror and the driver was accelerating. She only wished she were the one behind the wheel and not this shaggy low life with a loaded gun on the front seat and a bag of pot in the glove box.
Just another one of the downsides of being dead, January thought.
COMMENTS:
Great example of revealing a ton about the character in 199 words. Surprising twist at the end. Will an agent turn the page? You bet! Unanswered questions include: how did she die and why is she hanging with this grungy character? Even though the challenge of the protagonist is uncertain, it doesn’t matter because the voice is so clear and edgy. "Stream of consciousness” writing works in this case.
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Annabelle Zunk shifted the bulging, unevenly packed grocery bag in her arm as she slowed her steps and reached into her housecoat pocket for her keys. Her fingers grazed the switchblade first, then moved assuredly to grab the jingling mass beside it. She stopped and looked cautiously around before she hoisted the bag a little higher, then struggled to bring the burdened key ring into view.
Locating her house key, she resumed her pace and rounded the last corner of her six-block jaunt. She steadied the bag once more, then ascended the concrete steps that led to the strip of upstairs apartments where her nondescript, motel-like home was situated. Panting audibly as she reached the top, she paused to ease the bag to the ground before walking the last fifteen or so steps to her door. The soup cans clanked as the bag reached the concrete.
That’s when she heard the crying.
COMMENTS: So why is this woman carrying a switchblade? Does she know how to use it? Is she older, or just out of shape? The scene contains tension, and leaves unanswered questions, which increases the curiosity factor. Is the crying real or it is going to lure her into a place of danger? Suggest shortening the sentences to keep the pacing quick, the tension high.
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The flash of headlights swerving up the driveway raised the hair on the back of Mallory’s neck. As she pulled back the curtains of her second-story window and noticed the outline of her step-father’s ’69 fastback, Mallory Harper knew there’d be trouble.
“Damn,” she muttered, flicking her half-smoked Marlboro out the window, what the hell’s he doing home? Tuesdays were two-for-one at the Rusty Fishhook. Jim usually didn’t return home before sunrise. She waited until the car came to a standstill. This is bad.
After waving her hands to clear the air, she darted across the bedroom, locked the door and flung herself beneath her comforter. Patsy Cline was singing on the radio. She reached out a hand and switched it off. Maybe if I’m quiet, he’ll think I’m asleep. She considered hiding, but the pattern of bruises trailing her forearm reminded her that the son of a bitch likes to chase.
She rolled over the side of the bed and groped the carpet until her fingers touched her brother’s Louisville Slugger. She patted it once to reassure herself. Just in case.
COMMENTS: Voice is loud and clear. Trouble is on the way. Mallory’s situation is poignant and threatening. Suggest using italics to separate her thoughts and her actions. Keep all verbs in past tense. Revise “likes to chase” to “liked to chase". Switching from past to present is a common error, but an important one to revise through the entire manuscript. Stay past or present, don't mix them.
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A tangle of fear knotted Ed Bowman’s insides as the thumping of his pulse whooshed louder in his ears. Waves of belly acid were dangerously close to erupting.
I can do this…
Taking a long, measured breath, he elbowed his way through the jostling crowds that jammed the corridors of Henrico County Superior Court. The second day of Gunther Buford’s murder trial promised to be even more gripping than the first, and spectators
swarmed like flies around a cadaver. Everyone wanted to see this guy nailed. Ed did too, but from his perspective, there was more at stake than that.
Running nervous fingers down the front edges of his new tweed jacket, he patted both lapels into place, especially the one displaying the badge that identified him as a reporter for the Casey Clarion.
Sweat trickled down his armpits while his stomach clenched and unclenched to the point of nausea. But as hot as it was, he wasn’t about to take off his jacket. He needed to look as professional as he could—he’d be sitting with reporters from very prestigious newspapers. Would they suspect who he was?
COMMENTS: Excellent example of getting inside the protagonist, feeling his nervousness. What is making Ed so nervous? Well-written sentences set the scene. Suggest not using full names of the court, murderer, and newspaper on this first page because it slows the reading. Remember, the purpose of the first manuscript page is to be quick and easy to read. Proper names (and excessive use of adverbs and adjectives) slow reading and remove the sense of urgency you want to generate so the reader will turn the page.
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He opened his car door and stepped out into the parking lot, coffee mug in hand. Like many people, Din wasn’t fond of his job. He worked at a typesetting company and couldn’t find anything better for miles. Ordinary. That’s what Din thought of himself. He never disliked who he was, but every day he saw the same ordinary person in the mirror
making too much foam whilst brushing his teeth. Din had never done anything spectacular to draw attention to himself, nor did he feel that anything he did was noticeable. He couldn’t imagine not existing, but, then again, he wouldn’t have to imagine very hard at all. He stood at a good height, and was strong enough to get some heavy work done, but was not bulky. The cool, clear breeze of the morning sifted through his espresso colored hair. With his free hand he shielded the sun from his dark cobalt blue eyes. To work, he wore a regular dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a black tie.
Still, that radio report of Japan’s earthquake and that dragon sighting lingered in his brain.
“Dragons don’t exist,” he told himself.
COMMENTS: This first page, so full of back story, was DOA until the last line. Suggest revising to begin with the comment about dragons, then show the protagonist’s ordinary life. Be tight with this description. Give the reader a hint of how the dragon sighting is going to change Din forever (if that’s the case). Remember, a story begins when a challenge or situation begins. This motivates the reader to keep reading, or not. In 200 words or less.
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Lord Deshon’s dark voice rumbled after Alandra. “Get away from that door!”
Her heart pounded. With each step he engulfed her, searing her senses.
“I’ll die first.” Alandra ripped the hatch open and dove out into the freezing sky. Eyes clenched shut against the frigid blast of air, she struggled to stave off the terror until Deshon’s presence evaporated.
Freedom.
Alandra floated, high above everything, slipping gravity’s bonds for one glorious moment before beginning her descent; swimming through cold currents of air instead of water, allowing herself to fully experience the caress of the wind on her face, through
her hair, along her body. It was intoxicating.
As the deafening grumble of the air ship receded, she opened her eyes to the blue sky, white capped mountains, the blur of landscape rushing ever closer, rocks jutting dangerously from crystal-blue water, the impending impact growing closer and closer and…. Tristen bolted upright from the dream. Her racing heart still throbbing. “What was that?” Her husband drew her into his arms and held her tight. She felt his fear subside, taking hers with it. Ira Haze relaxed his grip, and smoothed her tangled, black hair. I’m sorry. It was my dream.
COMMENTS: Although dream sequences are overused in story openings, this one works with the added twist of being shared between two people, and the vividness of the flying sequence. One major issue with this first page is with overuse of words ending with “ing.” Suggest revision, using shorter sentences, which can amp up the tension.
REVISION EXAMPLE: "Alandra ripped the hatch open. She drove out and into the frigid sky. Also, ellipsis are written with one space between them and the letters at the beginning and the ending . . . like that.
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I stood next to my car and looked around. There were all these big green things
surrounding the parking lot, what were they called? Oh yeah, trees. Didn’t have a lot of
them at my condominium in the wilds of Seattle Suburbia. We had lots of cement,
though. This place seems kinda low on their cement quota. Lots of green, not much grey.
This could take some getting used to.
Well, change is good, right? Change makes you grow, explore, expand, uh, break out
of your mold. Yeah, all that stuff. And this is as “change” as you can get. I took a deep
breath and closed my eyes. Okay self, you can do this. I am ready to change. So I opened
my eyes, hoisted my load and headed for the entrance. I marched down the ramp with my head held high. Look out new life, here I come!
I saw something fluttering out of the corner of my eye. As I turned my head to get a
better look, I caught my toe on an uneven board. I quickly grabbed the rail before I lost
control, but it was too late. I saw my keys falling, falling, falling...splash!
COMMENTS: This person is interestingly sarcastic, obviously out of his/her element. The voice indicates the beginning of a new adventure. But what’s lacking is any clue as to what the adventure might be. And now, the car keys are lost. Sheesh! Hope the natives are friendly. It’s vital to begin any story with sufficient information about the protagonist and/or the challenge to build anticipation, evoke curiosity, and compel the reader to turn the page.

First-Paragraph (the sales pitch)
These are excellent examples of adding sizzle to your query letter first paragraph to motivate the agent to keep reading! The greatest challenge in this contest was writing the first paragraph for a fairy tale.
The winner, Louis, wrote . . .
A child suffers ridicule because of his large ears and clumsiness. His mother is railroaded into prison, leaving him alone except for a friend who becomes his protector. Everyone thinks he’s a clown, but he finds he has superpowers that might free his mother from jail.

First sentence--who wants what and why. A kid with big ears suffers because of his physical challenges.
Second sentence--what does he want? Protection and comfort from mom who is tossed into jail, leaving him alone, except for a protector.
Third Sentence--what happens? He discovers superpowers that may (notice how this isn't set in cement) free mom and keep others from taunting him.

COMMENTS:
Great use of powerful verbs: "suffers" and "railroaded." These quickly describe the situation. Suggest substituting "discovers unrecognized inner" in place of "he has." Whenever possible, substitute stronger words for weak ones like "has." Use of the work "might" leaves the resolution up in the air. Perfect ending for the query letter first paragraph
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HONORABLE MENTIONS
Bound to cheer up her ailing grandma with some goodies, a wide-eyed schoolgirl sets off through the treacherous wilds to pay grandma a visit. When she encounters a suave ravenous rogue along the way, she discloses more than she should and inadvertently puts grandma’s life in peril, as well as her own. Alone and outmatched, Red must find a way to save her grandma and in the process, save herself.
Evaluation Comments:
Interestingly written, although a bit heavy on the adjectives. Since the query first paragraph must be a "quick" read, extraneous descriptions (which are underlined) slow down the process.
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A bored girl chases a rabbit down its hole, thrusting herself into a bizarre world where she can manipulate her size by eating mushrooms and teacakes. In her pursuit of the elusive bunny, she encounters a mysterious cat with an enormous grin, a dormouse that tells nonsensical tales, and a queen with a penchant for beheadings. While testifying in court in a robbery case, she finds herself growing exponentially and is threatened with decapitation herself but quickly recognizes that due to her size she is the one who is holding all the cards.
Evaluation Comments:
Clever is great for query letter first paragraphs, although sometimes too clever becomes self-defeating, particularly when it slows down the reader.
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