Evaluated query letters for children's books
Many publishers of children's books accept unsolicited picture book submissions, which requires you to write a query to use as a cover letter.
Evaluation comments are in blue
There are three evaluated queries on this page.
o Picture book with animal protagonist
o Picture book with non-fiction potential
o Philosophical book for children and adults
PICTURE BOOK
This query covers most of the information necessary to interest an agent, but it definitely needs to be re-structured and radically trimmed. Most agents would not read to the bottom of the page. They would not be willing to wade through so much information.
Dear Ms WWWWW,
As a SCBWI member, I have heard of many of the successes you have had and how well XXXX agents work on behalf of their authors and illustrators. I have also read, with much interest, your interview
responses to questions from JJJ BBBB. Thank you!
I have enclosed my new 550 word picture book story for 4-7 year old children: 'Penny XXXXX FXXXXX. I hope you will represent it for me, along with other books that I write.
PXXXXX keeps the creek clean, but is tired of doing all the work herself. When she finds a map, she decides to throw a stone in the air and go to the place where it lands. But how will she discover the place's true location? Will it be nice when she gets there?
The story can be enjoyed simply for entertainment, but by providing the map as end-papers, a fold-out, an addition in a pocket or just illustrated in the text, it is hoped that children will be able to follow PXXXXX journey and learn about maps and map symbols at the
same time. (PXXXXX could be changed to an American animal, if preferred.)
I write (and occasionally illustrate) full-time - fiction for this age level to early YA and non-fiction for all ages.
In 1987, Allen and Unwin published my book, `The Australian Manual of Calligraphy', and it went to three reprints. Unwin Hyman / Harper Collins published it in the UK and New Zealand as `A Manual of Calligraphy'. Pearson and other magazine publishers have also printed
my articles and artwork.
Although presently living in Australia , I constantly try to build my 'platform' world-wide. My www.writing-for-children.com website is in third position on Yahoo and sixth on Google for 'writing for children' as a search term. I'm a public speaker for the 'ShowTell Speakers'
Agency', have been interviewed several times for Australian TV, recently had one of my stories read on radio and was a guest author for an online chat session for the 2006 US based 'Fandangle Magazine Virtual Book Fair'. I'm a founder member of the Queensland Branch of
SCBWI and currently Secretary of The Children's Book Council of Australia ( Queensland ).
I hope that I can provide many successful books for you and that we can have a long and fruitful partnership. I will always do whatever is recommended, and much more, to promote any book published.
I have more stories available for young children and other mss at various stages of planning and writing. I would be pleased to provide information about these, but, for your interest, have attached Celtic style picture ideas from a speculative project in progress. These have been submitted to the Illustrators' Exhibition for Bologna 2008, but can also be seen on my blog at www.myspace.com/writingforchildren.
This project and a proposal for a book on 'How to Win Competitions' (using rhyme, calligraphy and card-making skills) are my current focus.
The second draft of a YA 'creative non-fiction' story, 'Mad James Lucas', has been completed - but I'm sure several more will be needed prior to submission. 'Mad James' wore only a horse blanket, barricaded
himself in his house and never left it for 25 years. Like viewers of 'Idol', up to 400 onlookers a day (Charles Dickens included) came to see which of James's visitors would be given gin and money, and which would be verbally abused and have rock-hard stale loaves of bread
thrown at them. The ashes on which he slept eventually reached the window sills. The story is told from his brother's POV and I'm paying for advice from a former Harper Collins editor.
Thank you for your time and considering PXXXX.
I look forward to hearing from you and enclose a SSAE. If you do not wish to retain the ms and artwork, please dispose of them.
The following suggestions will help turn this rambling letter into a professional query with the potential of motivating the reader to actually read the story or ask to see it.
FIRST PARAGRAPH:
Tell the plot of the story in general terms using three sentences.
SECOND PARAGRAPH:
Write a mini-synopsis and introduce PXXXX, your animal protagonist. Describe her needs, her wants for adventure and where this leads her. Consider not telling the full story, but leave the reader wondering, so what does happen to this interesting animal?
o Nice idea, introducing an animal that some children will not have known about before.
THIRD PARAGRAPH:
Trim your experience to one paragraph. Mention the major highlights like: having your art published, your oft-visited website, your involvement with SCBWI and the fact that you are enclosing one (that’s just one, no more) illustration for your manuscript.
o That’s it. Be clear, be succinct. Remember that in query letters, less is more!
o Write this query about one project only. Do not include other materials for future projects, although you can mention them. The key word here is “briefly.” It’s common for writers to include other projects to prove they are prolific (and professional). The message this gives is just the opposite.
o Prove your skills by writing a tight query that tells the plot, the story, about the protagonist, your background and zip-zero-nada-nothing else.
o Agents always are looking for saleable stories and competent writers. Always. But, they don’t have time to read a long query that moves off topic and includes extraneous information. They want to know the plot, a little about the story, and have the opportunity to evaluate your writing skill. That’s it. And to do this all in 10 seconds or less.
o So edit away. Good luck!
PICTURE BOOK WITH NON-FICTION POTENTIAL
This query demonstrates a common flaw found in most first-draft queries. It fails to tell enough of the story.
WRITER'S FIRST PARAGRAPH:
What could possibly happen when four young boys decide to make cider with their grandmother’s old and heavy cider press. They had to pick the apples while using a wobbly ladder. Then there were the sounds of cutting, crushing and pressing. After four hours of making cider, they finished working in darkness with a chilling wind and rain. When their mother came to take them home, they gave her a “delicious” glass of cider. However, their uncle and grandmother would not taste it.
WRITER'S SECOND PARAGRAPH:
CIDER TIME is the name of my manuscript. This is a true story involving my three sons and a nephew. It took place at my mother’s home. I wrote this story in conjunction with a graduate course in children’s literature. I taught third grade.
WRITER'S THIRD PARAGRAPH:
My desire is to make this book available so children would want to read and enjoy it. It is informative as the unique process of making cider is explained and illustrated. As a supplemental reading book in classrooms or libraries, it will promote reading and develop an unusual vocabulary with words like pomace, disk and pulp.
WRITER'S FOURTH PARAGRAPH:
Thank you for your time and consideration.
FIRST PARAGRAPH: While a story about a time when cider was hand made may be interesting to children, at this point, the query doesn’t tell this story.
o The agent/editor/publisher reading this letter will not know if this manuscript is well written or not. Why? Because the writer has neglected to use the first two paragraphs to tell the story in the same tone as used in the manuscript.
SECOND PARAGRAPH
o Suggest using action (the kids deciding to make cider and gathering up the equipment they need).
o Take the reader along on the adventure.
o The last sentence of the second paragraph is where you might ask the question. “Why wouldn’t uncle (give him a name) and grandmother taste it?”
THIRD PARAGRAPH RE-STRUCTURE SUGGESTIONS:
My background includes being a third grade teacher and the mother of the children in the story. While taking a graduate course in children’s literature, I wrote CIDER TIME, at 1,000 words, to relate a real adventure about children who made cider that nobody would taste.
o Be sure to tell why nobody would taste it. (Was it bitter? Did it need to age? Had the boys omitted a necessary ingredient?)
o There are some excellent points in this paragraph. The writer points out how children will not only enjoy learning how cider was made in the "old days," but also will expand their language skills. YOU MIGHT WANT TO INCLUDE THIS IN YOUR THIRD PARAGRAPH, along with your background as a teacher.
FOR EXAMPLE: The unique process of making cider by hand pressing will be of interest to younger readers. This book can be used as a supplemental reading book in classrooms and libraries. It will foster language skills with the introduction of words such as pomace, disk and pulp while teaching a history lesson on how cider was prepared xx years ago.
COMMENT: Suggest you re-work this query (and possibly your manuscript) so your story is a picture book about children from another era as well as a teaching tool for language and history.
CONCEPT: Expand your story with more historical details so it becomes a non-fiction picture book, showing how cider used to be made. Make children the main characters as they help adults in the process of making cider.
o The format for a non-fiction story about actual historical events is a little different than the format for a fiction book. Read a dozen or more non-fiction picture books to grasp how a non-fiction story is told.
PHILOSOPHICAL PICTURE BOOK
COMMENT: This query presents an interesting concept: the brief life of a snowman (or is it snowperson?) as a means of explaining the circle of life to small children. The major challenge is that the writer tells about the story as if speaking to an adult, instead of showing how it unfolds which is the classical/traditional manner in which to write for children.
WRITER’S FIRST PARAGRAPH: SNOW GUY was born following a snowstorm, reveled in his youth, basked in the glory of being worshiped by others, diagnosed as terminal at lunch, died and was resurrected shortly thereafter and finally became enlightened.
WRITER’S SECOND PARAGRAPH: In 612 words, SNOW GUY experiences the act of creation, popularity, abandonment, a cruel death, transcendence and enlightenment.
WRITER’S THIRD PARAGRAPH: As a picture book, SNOW GUY introduces important concepts to the young reader. His story of life is inspirational in a generic sense that appeals to both secular and religious audiences.
WRITER’S FOURTH PARAGRAPH: SNOW GUY was a winner in the Lxxx Lxxx Xxxxxx Xxxxx Fiction Contest in the Childrens’ category. It was also published in the Cxxxxx Wxxxxx Xxxxxx literary journal.
WRITER’S FIFTH PARAGRAPH: Having taught children in the K-12 grades I know SNOW GUY will generate follow-up questions and class discussions.
WRITER’S SIXTH PARAGRAPH: I am a member of the Florida Xxxxxx Xxxxxxxx and The Writers Xxxxx. The illustrations enclosed are by me and can be replaced by those of another artist if you wish. I’ve included two color illustrations to show how the other black and white drawings can look.
WRITER’S LAST PARAGRAPH: Thank you for your time and consideration.
OVERALL COMMENTS:
While this letter is deeply philosophical (and witty as well), at this moment it is written for big people, not little people. The grammer will not resonate with the picture book crowd.
o All children’s picture books have one major aspect in common. The story unfolds through the thoughts, actions and dialogue of the protagonist (main character).
o Any agent/editor/publisher reading this query will want to be shown how this one-day trip through life impacted Snow Guy. What did he think/feel while the children made him into a snowman, then dressed him up and danced around him? What went through his mind as he began to drip, drip, drip away? How did he become enlightened?
o Since it often is possible to submit a query/cover letter with an entire picture book manuscript, (assuming the story is no more than 1,000 words, which is five or six double-spaced pages), it is vital to interest the reader sufficiently so they read your story.
o An adult, evaluating this query as written, would have no clue as to how the story actually is written. Therefore, it would be impossible to determine if it would appeal to the picture book audience.
o The question arises: do children discuss the concepts of life, death and enlightenment?
o Your experience as a teacher is invaluable if you intend for this book to generate discussion. Consider including (at the back of the book) some points that would help begin the dialogue. Or, place discussion points on your web site and direct teachers there. This would be an ideal spot to include down-loadable black and white art that children could use as coloring pages.
o Although illustrators for the vast majority of children’s books are selected by the editor working on the project, occasionally writers illustrate their own books. You certainly can ask to be considered, but include only ONE piece of art. Make it your best four-color piece. Good idea to comment that you’re OK with another artist creating the illustrations.
o Also, place one space after each period, not two.
o This book is imaginative and has potential. However, at this point, your ability to write a picture book has not been demonstrated.
o Suggest you re-write your FIRST PARAGRAPH in the style you’ll be using in the book. Start with no more than three sentences telling the plot.
o Continue telling the story in your SECOND PARAGRAPH, again, in the grammar you'll be using in the book.
o In PARAGRAPH THREE convince the reader that you are the person to write this book. Cite your teaching experience and your awards. Also describe how you’ll create tools to assist a teacher in leading a philosophical discussion with a group of squirmy six-year-old children.
o Suggest you study Caldecott and Newberry award winning picture books. Notice how the text/art show the story instead of telling about it.
o Off-the-wall thought: could this story become a philosophical, coffee-table book written for adults? Think about the market, then re-write it accordingly.
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