MY COMMENTS~ Wow! What a dynamite opening line. Kate has crafted ten well-chosen words to convey the essence of her story, display the voice of her protagonist, and clearly spell out the challenge. Her voice, as the story teller, is clear. The challenge of her protagonist, Cara, is strong. Her desire, to stay alive, is momentarily wavering. Especially now that her uncle is after her. Will she escape? Why is she being hunted? Is she injured? What the heck is going on! Any agent/editor/publisher will turn this page or scroll down the screen to find out more about Cara and if she makes the choice to keep on running or give up. Writing Mechanics: I suggest getting rid of every “was” and substitute more powerful verbs. For example: instead of “This attempt was personal in the extreme,” revise to read “as this attempt felt personal in the extreme.” Instead of “whether they caught up with her,” use the word “if” or else revise to read, "whether they caught up with her, or not." To heighten the tension, break up the sentence describing her fatigue. “Cara hadn’t dared stop for more than an hour at most. She was almost too tired to care if they caught up with her. (And revise that pesky “was” word). Also break the fourth sentence into two. Short sentences, as well as carefully placed commas, heighten tension. Search and Replace: A nifty little trick to locate sentences that could be broken up is to use the “find” feature in Word (control+F), and search for the word “and.” This is much more effective than eyeballing every page to find your too-long sentences. (Also a good way to find overuse of “was.”) This makes good sense: Before submitting your writing, make every effort to tighten it. Overuse of weak words like “was” or “had” can become red flags that cause the agent/editor/publisher to wonder if these run rampantly throughout your entire manuscript. Even though, once a contract has been signed, your assigned editor will work on your story, it's not their job to teach you how to write. Their job is to polish (not totally revise) your manuscript so that when it becomes a book, it flies off the bookshelf at Barnes and Noble or out of Amazon’s warehouse. (Look at my “First Page” list of more red-flag rascals you’ll want to locate and change before submitting your work. BTW: Do you need some help with your synopsis, query, first page or ??? I'm available for one-on-one phone and written consultation to help you craft the documents you need in order to get the results you want: the invitation to submit your work to an agent/editor/publisher. Programs and fees are given on Writer's Services.
And the winner is . . .
CONGRATULATIONS TO . . . (drum roll please) . . . Kate for her manuscript first page that grabs and holds your attention from the first sentence to the last. Cara Montessori was sick of people trying to kill her. She was used to it, of course. People had been trying to kill her for most of her twenty-two years. She’d trailed her father through some of the most godforsaken places in Christendom and it had been a rare week that hadn’t included a scimitar-wielding Saracen or bloodthirsty Moor trying to send her to the afterlife. Familiarity, however, didn’t make the experience any more enjoyable. Besides, those particular instances had been quite impersonal. This attempt was personal in the extreme. Her uncle’s men were still behind her, somewhere in the city, annoyingly persistent. Cara hadn’t dared stop for more than an hour at most and now she was almost too tired to care whether they caught up with her. Maybe the quick slash of an assassin’s blade would be better than dying of blood loss, anyway. She'd lost them a few days ago, but the ransom Lorenzo had offered was obviously impressive enough to keep them on her tail.
HONORABLE MENTIONS~ Written by Bill~ “R-E-S-P-E-C-T…” Aretha’s soulful chant filled the air surrounding Jack Rhoades’ convertible as he sat at a stoplight. He turned up the volume, hoping her wail would tame the oppressive humidity engulfing her hometown. A sudden burst of static strangled the Queen of Soul’s performance. Jack cursed the demon behind the noise. That was a mistake. A red flash took him by surprise. He was sure it was a mirage, like the waves shimmering above the steaming pavement, until a red creature with glowing eyes and rotting teeth hopped on the hood of his convertible. Only the windshield separated him from the beast. Jack shivered when he realized he was in danger of being catapulted off the path to glory he considered his birthright. Surrounding drivers recognized the beast and fled, leaving him to deal with the creature dancing before him. It vanished too, after wiggling its rump in his face. Le Nain Rouge, the infamous imp that appeared before every disaster in Detroit history, just signed his death sentence. My comments: Bill sucks the reader right into the car, the humidity, and the noise. His short sentences keep the action moving. One sentence may be a problem. . . . “catapulted off the path to glory he considered his birthright.” Say what? The meaning of this sentence is not totally clear. Anytime a reader stops to interpret a complicated sentence, this breaks the momentum and dynamic movement of the story. Writing mechanics: In the sentence “He was sure it was a mirage . . .” Bill has used “was” three times. Suggest slight revision to replace them with more powerful verbs. Also, this sentence could be broken into two. Picky comment: Is this creature that lands on his car a demon or an imp? Big difference. One is really scary. The other more of a pest. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Written by Patty~ My name is Isabel Scheherazade; I'm living up to my namesake, but my parents won't ever know. They were just killed by a guy who ran a red light. Mom and Dad swerved to avoid him and rolled over and over down this steep hill. Now my brothers and I live with Mimi and Pop, and we sip from this Huge Cup of Sorrow, but, I'm noticing, even on our worst days I see over the lip of the cup because I'm telling our story. And they're jumping up and down to get my attention. I’m like this lady Pop told me about. She thinks someone is trying to poison her, so pretty soon, since she expects it, all her food begins to taste funny. Because I’m hunting for our family stories, I find them. All around me. Just waiting for me to write them down. Storytelling (like for Scheherazade and her 1001 tales) is only a sideline because mainly? Mainly I've got to focus. On vengeance. My comments: Great “stream of consciousness” voice that compels the reader to find out more. Even though this first page contains some structure issues, revision probably would put a damper on the flow and the voice. Sometimes it absolutely works to allow your protagonist to think/speak as they do in order to sweep the reader into and along with their story as they tell it in their own words. Fabulous comment, “huge cup of sorrow,” poignantly describes the pain this entire family experiences. Although this story is targeted to younger readers, the appeal will spread to readers of all ages who immediately will like Isabel and also will want to read her stories and follow her path. If you’d like to read more, Click here for Patty’s blog. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Written by Barbara~ Lindy Harrington woke up with the carved wooden grip of her .38 caliber revolver still clutched in her right hand. Nestled between her exposed rib cage and abdomen, the stainless steel cylinder was strangely comforting against her skin. The metallic taste of copper in her mouth reminded her that she was far too familiar with the taste of her own blood. Much like a child might cuddle a favored stuffed animal; Lindy had clasped the gun to her body throughout the long restless night, while she weighed the pros and cons of pointing the muzzle at her husband's head and squeezing the trigger. Unclenching her hand, she placed the pistol on the nightstand beside the bed. Flexing her fingers to restore circulation, she gently touched her stomach right below her navel where the embryo would have, given the chance, transformed into a living, breathing baby, her baby. A year ago today, she thought. The memory of that morning hit her like waves pummeling a shoreline. My comments: Here’s another powerful opening. Will Lindy settle the score with the man who has caused her such pain? I’d read on to find out what happens. Writing mechanics: Notice how the fourth paragraph begins with a short and incomplete sentence. It works. She follows this with a sentence describing the impact of the memory that hits her “like waves pummeling a shoreline.” This is powerful and effective writing.
Click here to read wining query letters from prior contests.
Click here to read manuscript first page winning entries from prior contests.
