first page winners from 2013. (query winners are below)
You'll enjoy reading winners of the "first page" contest which appear here, along with brief evaluation comments. CLICK HERE.
FROM KATE~
Cara Montessori was sick of people trying to kill her. She was used to it, of course. People had been trying to kill her for most of her twenty-two years. She’d trailed her father through some of the most godforsaken places in Christendom and it had been a rare week that hadn’t included a scimitar-wielding Saracen or bloodthirsty Moor trying to send her to the afterlife. Familiarity, however, didn’t make the experience any more enjoyable. Besides, those particular instances had been quite impersonal. This attempt was personal in the extreme. Her uncle’s men were still behind her, somewhere in the city, annoyingly persistent. Cara hadn’t dared stop for more than an hour at most and now she was almost too tired to care whether they caught up with her. Maybe the quick slash of an assassin’s blade would be better than dying of blood loss, anyway. She'd lost them a few days ago, but the ransom Uncle Lorenzo had offered was obviously impressive enough to keep them on her trail.
My Comments:
Kate’s first sentence demonstrates the quirky voice of her protagonist, and clearly spells out her challenge of staying alive. But, Cara’s strength is wavering. Especially now that her uncle is after her. Will she escape? Why is she being hunted down? Is she injured? What the heck is going on?
Any agent/editor/publisher will turn this page or scroll down the screen to find out more about Cara and if she escapes or gives up.
Writing Mechanics:
Revise split verbs: "was almost too tired, had been quite impersonal, was obviously impressive. Move the adverbs to in front or after the two-work verb.
Delete every “was” and substitute more powerful verbs. For example, revise “This attempt was personal in the extreme,” to read “This attempt felt personal in the extreme.”
To heighten the tension, restructure the sentence describing her fatigue. “Almost too tired to care if they caught up with her, Cara hadn’t dared stop for more than an hour at most."
Break the fourth (compound) sentence into two.
Short sentences, as well as carefully placed commas, help to heighten tension.
Nifty search trick:
Simplify your search for overly-long compound sentences by using the “find” feature in Word (Cntrl+F) to search for “and.” This is a much more effective process than eyeballing every page to find these bad boys. (Also a good way to locate “was” and any other red flag rascals which may populate the balance of your manuscript.)
Helpful Hint!
Before submitting your writing, make every effort to tighten it. Overuse of weak words become red flags that cause the agent/editor/publisher to wonder if these run throughout your entire manuscript. Even though, once a contract has been signed, an editor will be assigned to work on your story, their job is not to teach you how to write. Their job is to polish your manuscript so when it's published, it will fly off the shelf from Amazon or at Barnes and Noble.
FROM BILL~
“R-E-S-P-E-C-T . . .” Aretha’s soulful chant filled the air surrounding Jack Rhoades’ convertible as he sat at a stoplight. He turned up the volume, hoping her wail would tame the oppressive humidity engulfing her hometown. A sudden burst of static strangled the Queen of Soul’s performance. Jack cursed the demon behind the noise.
That was a mistake.
A red flash took him by surprise.
Jack was sure it was a mirage, like the waves shimmering above the steaming pavement, until a red creature with glowing eyes and rotting teeth hopped on the hood of his convertible. Only the windshield separated him from the beast.
Jack shivered when he realized he was in danger of being catapulted off the path to glory he considered his birthright. Surrounding drivers recognized the beast and fled, leaving him to deal with the creature dancing before him. It vanished too, after wiggling its rump in his face.
Le Nain Rouge, the infamous imp that appeared before every disaster in Detroit history, had just signed his death sentence.
My comments:
Bill pulls the reader right into the car, the humidity, and the noise. He's wisely utilized short sentences to keep the action moving.
Question: One sentence may be a problem. . . . “catapulted off the path to glory he considered his birthright.” Say what? The meaning of this sentence is not totally clear. Anytime a reader is forced to stop and interpret a complicated sentence, this breaks the momentum and dynamic movement of the story.
Editing Question #1: Did the demon hop "on" the hood? Meaning, jump up and down on the hood. Or, did the demon hop "onto" the hood? Meaning that it came from another location?
Editing Question #2: Is this creature a demon or an imp? Big difference. One is really scary. The other more of a pest.
FROM PATTY~
My name is Isabel Scheherazade; I'm living up to my namesake, but my parents won't ever know. They were just killed by a guy who ran a red light. Mom and Dad swerved to avoid him and rolled over and over down this steep hill.
Now my brothers and I live with Mimi and Pop, and we sip from this Huge Cup of Sorrow, but, I'm noticing, even on our worst days I see over the lip of the cup because I'm telling our stories. And they're jumping up and down to get my attention. Because I’m hunting for our family stories, I find them. All around me. Just waiting for me to write them down.
Storytelling (like for Scheherazade and her 1001 tales) is only a sideline because mainly? Mainly I've got to focus. On vengeance.
My comments:
Great “stream of consciousness” voice that compels the reader to find out more. Even though this first page contains some structure issues, revision probably would put a damper on the flow and the voice. Sometimes it absolutely works to allow your protagonist to think/speak as they do in order to sweep the reader into and along with their story as they tell it in their own, unique, presentation.
“Huge Cup of Sorrow,” poignantly describes the pain this entire family experiences.
Although this story is targeted to younger readers, the appeal will spread to readers of all ages who immediately will like Isabel and want to read more about her, her stories, and if she achieves her goal of vengeance.
FROM SAMANTHA~
Lindy Harrington woke up with the carved wooden grip of her .38 caliber revolver still clutched in her right hand. Nestled between her exposed rib cage and abdomen, the stainless steel cylinder was strangely comforting against her skin. The metallic taste of copper in her mouth reminded her that she was far too familiar with the taste of her own blood.
Much like a child might cuddle a favored stuffed animal; Lindy clasped the gun to her body throughout the long restless night, while she weighed the pros and cons of pointing the muzzle at her husband's head and squeezing the trigger.
Unclenching her hand, she placed the pistol on the nightstand beside the bed. Flexing her fingers to restore circulation, she gently touched her stomach right below her navel where the embryo would have, given the chance, transformed into a living, breathing baby . . . her baby.
A year ago today, she thought. The memory of that morning hit her like waves pummeling a shoreline.
My comments:
Will Lindy settle the score with the man who has caused her such pain? I’d read on to find out what happens.
Writing mechanics:
An over-abundance of "ing" verbs could be revised to strengthen this opening.
Notice how Samantha’s fourth paragraph begins with a short and incomplete sentence. This works, especially when followed by a sentence describing the impact of the memory that hits her “like waves pummeling a shoreline.”
BTW: Samantha's power writing has helped this story become published. Read about her success on my HOME page.
You'll enjoy reading winners of the "first page" contest which appear here, along with brief evaluation comments. CLICK HERE.
FROM KATE~
Cara Montessori was sick of people trying to kill her. She was used to it, of course. People had been trying to kill her for most of her twenty-two years. She’d trailed her father through some of the most godforsaken places in Christendom and it had been a rare week that hadn’t included a scimitar-wielding Saracen or bloodthirsty Moor trying to send her to the afterlife. Familiarity, however, didn’t make the experience any more enjoyable. Besides, those particular instances had been quite impersonal. This attempt was personal in the extreme. Her uncle’s men were still behind her, somewhere in the city, annoyingly persistent. Cara hadn’t dared stop for more than an hour at most and now she was almost too tired to care whether they caught up with her. Maybe the quick slash of an assassin’s blade would be better than dying of blood loss, anyway. She'd lost them a few days ago, but the ransom Uncle Lorenzo had offered was obviously impressive enough to keep them on her trail.
My Comments:
Kate’s first sentence demonstrates the quirky voice of her protagonist, and clearly spells out her challenge of staying alive. But, Cara’s strength is wavering. Especially now that her uncle is after her. Will she escape? Why is she being hunted down? Is she injured? What the heck is going on?
Any agent/editor/publisher will turn this page or scroll down the screen to find out more about Cara and if she escapes or gives up.
Writing Mechanics:
Revise split verbs: "was almost too tired, had been quite impersonal, was obviously impressive. Move the adverbs to in front or after the two-work verb.
Delete every “was” and substitute more powerful verbs. For example, revise “This attempt was personal in the extreme,” to read “This attempt felt personal in the extreme.”
To heighten the tension, restructure the sentence describing her fatigue. “Almost too tired to care if they caught up with her, Cara hadn’t dared stop for more than an hour at most."
Break the fourth (compound) sentence into two.
Short sentences, as well as carefully placed commas, help to heighten tension.
Nifty search trick:
Simplify your search for overly-long compound sentences by using the “find” feature in Word (Cntrl+F) to search for “and.” This is a much more effective process than eyeballing every page to find these bad boys. (Also a good way to locate “was” and any other red flag rascals which may populate the balance of your manuscript.)
Helpful Hint!
Before submitting your writing, make every effort to tighten it. Overuse of weak words become red flags that cause the agent/editor/publisher to wonder if these run throughout your entire manuscript. Even though, once a contract has been signed, an editor will be assigned to work on your story, their job is not to teach you how to write. Their job is to polish your manuscript so when it's published, it will fly off the shelf from Amazon or at Barnes and Noble.
FROM BILL~
“R-E-S-P-E-C-T . . .” Aretha’s soulful chant filled the air surrounding Jack Rhoades’ convertible as he sat at a stoplight. He turned up the volume, hoping her wail would tame the oppressive humidity engulfing her hometown. A sudden burst of static strangled the Queen of Soul’s performance. Jack cursed the demon behind the noise.
That was a mistake.
A red flash took him by surprise.
Jack was sure it was a mirage, like the waves shimmering above the steaming pavement, until a red creature with glowing eyes and rotting teeth hopped on the hood of his convertible. Only the windshield separated him from the beast.
Jack shivered when he realized he was in danger of being catapulted off the path to glory he considered his birthright. Surrounding drivers recognized the beast and fled, leaving him to deal with the creature dancing before him. It vanished too, after wiggling its rump in his face.
Le Nain Rouge, the infamous imp that appeared before every disaster in Detroit history, had just signed his death sentence.
My comments:
Bill pulls the reader right into the car, the humidity, and the noise. He's wisely utilized short sentences to keep the action moving.
Question: One sentence may be a problem. . . . “catapulted off the path to glory he considered his birthright.” Say what? The meaning of this sentence is not totally clear. Anytime a reader is forced to stop and interpret a complicated sentence, this breaks the momentum and dynamic movement of the story.
Editing Question #1: Did the demon hop "on" the hood? Meaning, jump up and down on the hood. Or, did the demon hop "onto" the hood? Meaning that it came from another location?
Editing Question #2: Is this creature a demon or an imp? Big difference. One is really scary. The other more of a pest.
FROM PATTY~
My name is Isabel Scheherazade; I'm living up to my namesake, but my parents won't ever know. They were just killed by a guy who ran a red light. Mom and Dad swerved to avoid him and rolled over and over down this steep hill.
Now my brothers and I live with Mimi and Pop, and we sip from this Huge Cup of Sorrow, but, I'm noticing, even on our worst days I see over the lip of the cup because I'm telling our stories. And they're jumping up and down to get my attention. Because I’m hunting for our family stories, I find them. All around me. Just waiting for me to write them down.
Storytelling (like for Scheherazade and her 1001 tales) is only a sideline because mainly? Mainly I've got to focus. On vengeance.
My comments:
Great “stream of consciousness” voice that compels the reader to find out more. Even though this first page contains some structure issues, revision probably would put a damper on the flow and the voice. Sometimes it absolutely works to allow your protagonist to think/speak as they do in order to sweep the reader into and along with their story as they tell it in their own, unique, presentation.
“Huge Cup of Sorrow,” poignantly describes the pain this entire family experiences.
Although this story is targeted to younger readers, the appeal will spread to readers of all ages who immediately will like Isabel and want to read more about her, her stories, and if she achieves her goal of vengeance.
FROM SAMANTHA~
Lindy Harrington woke up with the carved wooden grip of her .38 caliber revolver still clutched in her right hand. Nestled between her exposed rib cage and abdomen, the stainless steel cylinder was strangely comforting against her skin. The metallic taste of copper in her mouth reminded her that she was far too familiar with the taste of her own blood.
Much like a child might cuddle a favored stuffed animal; Lindy clasped the gun to her body throughout the long restless night, while she weighed the pros and cons of pointing the muzzle at her husband's head and squeezing the trigger.
Unclenching her hand, she placed the pistol on the nightstand beside the bed. Flexing her fingers to restore circulation, she gently touched her stomach right below her navel where the embryo would have, given the chance, transformed into a living, breathing baby . . . her baby.
A year ago today, she thought. The memory of that morning hit her like waves pummeling a shoreline.
My comments:
Will Lindy settle the score with the man who has caused her such pain? I’d read on to find out what happens.
Writing mechanics:
An over-abundance of "ing" verbs could be revised to strengthen this opening.
Notice how Samantha’s fourth paragraph begins with a short and incomplete sentence. This works, especially when followed by a sentence describing the impact of the memory that hits her “like waves pummeling a shoreline.”
BTW: Samantha's power writing has helped this story become published. Read about her success on my HOME page.
QUERY FIRST PARA WINNERS.
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